There’s a saying I heard a lot as a child: “Idle minds is the devil’s playground.” About five minutes ago, I found out this saying is a remixed Bible scripture. When considering how religious my family is this didn’t come as a big surprise.
If I got into trouble at school, my grandma would say it multiple times on the way home. When at home and plotting mischief, my mom would say it while holding the finest leather a belt could find. The point is, my upbringing provided me with many warnings to stay on the right path.
Spoiler alert: It didn’t work.
As an adult, I have time for my idle mind to run wild more often. Most of my misdeeds are harmless and food-related: Eating my wife’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them at work or eating my daughter’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them to school. You know, dad-ish things. Then, Fatherly published an article about stream cheating. This is another crime I commit often.
Stream-cheating is when you watch TV without your significant other. It can be shows ya’ll started together or shows you talked about watching together. Anytime you watch TV without asking your significant other you are most likely stream-cheating.
I am one of the worst-stream cheaters in the history of history. I will stream-cheat in plain sight on multiple devices. My stream-cheating is so flagrant Bill Laimbeer would be proud. If my stream-cheating had a name, I’d call him Eric Benet and a wise man once said: “Never go Eric Benet.”
Stream-cheating is wrong but if you’re an inconsiderate person, you should be as stealthy as possible. Learn from my mistakes. Here are 6 ways to get away with stream-cheating if you’re a bad person:
WATCH THE SERIES AS FAST AS CAN
If you and your significant other are watching a series with one or two seasons, it’s possible to knock that out in one sitting. My wife works on Saturdays so as soon as she leaves in the morning I pounce on the opportunity to finish a series. If I could master the art of balancing stream-cheating with my regular duties, like feeding my daughter breakfast or doing the laundry, I’d be fine.
If you’re watching a series with five or six seasons, this will not be possible. Watching as fast as you can isn’t good enough. You must watch it as fast as you can AND before she signs in again. Your pride might tell you it’s possible, but don’t listen to pride. Pride doesn’t have to explain to your wife why the laundry isn’t done and why the couch cushion looks warm and is kind of damp. Don’t join pride in the doghouse.
USE SOMEONE ELSE’S ACCOUNT
Netflix allows you create up to 5 individual accounts. My Netflix has an account for my wife and me, my daughter, my brother and an account for everybody.
Obviously, you can’t use the account for you and your spouse. Your child’s account is an option. It’s easy to change to an adult account but you must have time. Using an account designed for everybody might be a viable option because if you’re caught you can place blame on everybody else.
The best bet is to use somebody else’s account. I stream-cheat using my brother’s account. This works for me because my wife never clicks on that account. Sometimes, however, you have to be more stealthy than that.
DELETE YOUR HISTORY
If you don’t have friends because you’re a terrible person, deleting your history is an option. One night while on a stream-cheating binge, I didn’t realize I was on our shared account. I panicked and searched all over the internet for a fix. The nuclear option, deleting the whole account so I didn’t get caught, was imminent. Then I found an article written on Lifehacker explaining how to delete your Netflix history. They should change their name to lifesaver.
The shortened version is you go to your settings, then to your activities and press the X next to the program you want to erase. It takes 24 hours to delete, so this would be a good time to distract your wife by getting to that list of small jobs around the house you promised to do on the weekend two years ago.
USE A FRIEND’S ACCOUNT
I don’t condone illegal activity but desperate times calls for desperate measures. Using a friends account is one of the few ways to ensure you don’t get caught and it’s less messy than the other options. You sign in, stream-cheat, and sign out.
I’m sure dads and moms alike are reading this and wondering how I sleep at night. The answer is in my boxers, holding my wife tight with the fan blowing on my back.
DON’T USE ANYBODY’S ACCOUNT
Reddit, I’m looking at you.
BLAME DONALD TRUMP
This is my favorite option because of its versatility. Blaming Donald Trump has gotten me out of cleaning the house, picking up milk from the store and eating my wife’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them at work. Being caught stream-cheating should be no different. Use this option while it lasts, which is about 2 more years. It also works for Trump Supporters. You can blame CNN or Obama.
In all seriousness, don’t stream-cheat. You’re robbing yourself of valuable time with your significant other. I know there’s a lot of television to choose from and you might think “we’ll watch the next show together” or “this will be my last time”. Just remember that an idle mind is the devil’s playground and that playground’s name is Netflix.