Dad Culture http://dadculture.net Parenting and Relationships from a dad's point of view Fri, 02 Feb 2018 02:26:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.4 https://i0.wp.com/dadculture.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/cropped-siteemblem.png?fit=32%2C32 Dad Culture http://dadculture.net 32 32 140461468 6 Ways To Get Away With Stream-Cheating http://dadculture.net/2018/01/26/6-ways-to-get-away-with-stream-cheating/ Fri, 26 Jan 2018 19:34:50 +0000 http://dadculture.net/?p=574 There’s a saying I heard a lot as a child: “Idle minds is the devil’s playground.” About five minutes ago, I found out this saying is a remixed Bible scripture. When considering how religious my family is this didn’t come as a big surprise.

If I got into trouble at school, my grandma would say it multiple times on the way home. When at home and plotting mischief, my mom would say it while holding the finest leather a belt could find. The point is, my upbringing provided me with many warnings to stay on the right path.

Spoiler alert: It didn’t work.

As an adult, I have time for my idle mind to run wild more often. Most of my misdeeds are harmless and food-related: Eating my wife’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them at work or eating my daughter’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them to school. You know, dad-ish things. Then, Fatherly published an article about stream cheating. This is another crime I commit often.

Stream-cheating is when you watch TV without your significant other. It can be shows ya’ll started together or shows you talked about watching together. Anytime you watch TV without asking your significant other you are most likely stream-cheating.

I am one of the worst-stream cheaters in the history of history. I will stream-cheat in plain sight on multiple devices. My stream-cheating is so flagrant Bill Laimbeer would be proud. If my stream-cheating had a name, I’d call him Eric Benet and a wise man once said: “Never go Eric Benet.”

Stream-cheating is wrong but if you’re an inconsiderate person, you should be as stealthy as possible. Learn from my mistakes. Here are 6 ways to get away with stream-cheating if you’re a bad person:

WATCH THE SERIES AS FAST AS CAN

If you and your significant other are watching a series with one or two seasons, it’s possible to knock that out in one sitting. My wife works on Saturdays so as soon as she leaves in the morning I pounce on the opportunity to finish a series. If I could master the art of balancing stream-cheating with my regular duties, like feeding my daughter breakfast or doing the laundry, I’d be fine.

If you’re watching a series with five or six seasons, this will not be possible. Watching as fast as you can isn’t good enough. You must watch it as fast as you can AND before she signs in again. Your pride might tell you it’s possible, but don’t listen to pride. Pride doesn’t have to explain to your wife why the laundry isn’t done and why the couch cushion looks warm and is kind of damp. Don’t join pride in the doghouse.

USE SOMEONE ELSE’S ACCOUNT

Netflix allows you create up to 5 individual accounts. My Netflix has an account for my wife and me, my daughter, my brother and an account for everybody.

Obviously, you can’t use the account for you and your spouse. Your child’s account is an option. It’s easy to change to an adult account but you must have time. Using an account designed for everybody might be a viable option because if you’re caught you can place blame on everybody else.

The best bet is to use somebody else’s account. I stream-cheat using my brother’s account. This works for me because my wife never clicks on that account. Sometimes, however, you have to be more stealthy than that.

DELETE YOUR HISTORY

If you don’t have friends because you’re a terrible person, deleting your history is an option. One night while on a stream-cheating binge, I didn’t realize I was on our shared account. I panicked and searched all over the internet for a fix. The nuclear option, deleting the whole account so I didn’t get caught, was imminent. Then I found an article written on Lifehacker explaining how to delete your Netflix history. They should change their name to lifesaver.

The shortened version is you go to your settings, then to your activities and press the X next to the program you want to erase. It takes 24 hours to delete, so this would be a good time to distract your wife by getting to that list of small jobs around the house you promised to do on the weekend two years ago.

USE A FRIEND’S ACCOUNT

I don’t condone illegal activity but desperate times calls for desperate measures. Using a friends account is one of the few ways to ensure you don’t get caught and it’s less messy than the other options. You sign in, stream-cheat, and sign out.

I’m sure dads and moms alike are reading this and wondering how I sleep at night. The answer is in my boxers, holding my wife tight with the fan blowing on my back.

DON’T USE ANYBODY’S ACCOUNT

Reddit, I’m looking at you.

BLAME DONALD TRUMP

This is my favorite option because of its versatility. Blaming Donald Trump has gotten me out of cleaning the house, picking up milk from the store and eating my wife’s leftovers when she was intentional about her plans to take them at work. Being caught stream-cheating should be no different. Use this option while it lasts, which is about 2 more years. It also works for Trump Supporters. You can blame CNN or Obama.

In all seriousness, don’t stream-cheat. You’re robbing yourself of valuable time with your significant other. I know there’s a lot of television to choose from and you might think “we’ll watch the next show together” or “this will be my last time”. Just remember that an idle mind is the devil’s playground and that playground’s name is Netflix.

 

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Best Punishment For Listening To Kanye West http://dadculture.net/2018/01/18/ask-dadculture-best-punishment-for-listening-to-kanye-west/ Thu, 18 Jan 2018 22:59:35 +0000 http://dadculture.net/?p=560

Dear Parent in the struggle,

I wish I had all the facts to answer your question better but I will try my best. I do have a few questions.

Which Kanye was he listening to? There are different versions of Kanye.

What is your problem with Kanye? Does his personal life and perceived lack of decorum with media bother you?

Do you monitor everything your son consumes with objectivity? What other politicians, I mean artists, are on your ‘ban’ list?

There are two different Kanye’s, and you must distinguish between them.

If he was listening to the ‘College Dropout’ Kanye West then owe your son an apology. The College Dropout Kanye will ensure your son follows his dreams and loves his momma unconditionally. College Dropout Kanye didn’t tolerate racism or prejudice. This version of Kanye is responsible for your son’s bravery and drive. Your son goes to school inspired after listening to Kanye and does things like stand up for that one kid that keeps getting bullied or gets morning announcement duties and proclaims over the loudspeaker that the principal doesn’t care about black people. Does your son unapologetically tell the truth? If so, thank College Dropout Kanye. You should never punish your son for listening to this Kanye. Don’t ban the old Kanye, straight from the Go Kanye.

Don’t Ban this Kanye

If he was listening to Yeezy, Yeezus, or ‘burning bridges Yeezy Yeezy’ then you have a better case. I love rap music and Kanye is one of my favorites but I don’t listen to a whole album from these alter egos and I’m an adult. I’m almost sure My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy opens a portal to Hell when you listen to it so I don’t play that album often; only at an enemies house. Yeezus makes me feel like I’m cheating on my church. ‘Burning bridges Yeezy Yeezy’ makes me turn on my closest allies without a reason and had me one absentee ballot away from voting for Trump.

 


Don’t ban the old Kanye, straight from the Go Kanye.


 

I also wonder if there’s a bigger issue; It’s almost as if you despise Kanye the person. His music isn’t more vulgar than his peers. Most mainstream rappers have bad lyrics. Heck, sometimes KidzBop remakes a rap song, substitutes the cuss words and you still have a thirteen-year-old singing about sexual assault and recreational drug use.

Does his personal his personal life that bothers you? Does being patient and marrying the girl of your dreams, dressing her in oversized ripped sweaters on a 120-degree day and having beautiful kids with her bother you that much? This isn’t a crime.

Do the rants bother you? I’ll admit I cringed when he interrupted Taylor Swift. Now when he’s at an awards show, I’m on the edge of my seat like a Kermit Meme. I cried a little when he attacked Jay-Z and Beyonce on stage followed by his endorsement of Donald Trump. This was a tough time for Kanye fans everywhere. Still, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.  

We all make parenting mistakes we’re not proud of. When I hand down a harsh punishment and stick to it because of pride and wanting my child to respect me leaves me remorseful. If you punish your son for listening to the greatest rapper of all time that is prideful and you will regret it.

I would also have to know the other rules in your home. For instance, is your son allowed watch the news or follow Donald Trump’s tweets? His twitter will teach you how to be a predator, deny the truth in favor of a lie and call people names then threaten them with big shiny buttons. I’d argue, it’s more dangerous to let your son sit in front of the TV or use social media than it is to listen to Kanye.

I don’t think you should punish him but make sure you check for Pagan symbols under rugs or curtains you never move in your home. Otherwise, this is a non-issue.  

 

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Dear Uno: Your Game Is Evil http://dadculture.net/2018/01/11/dear-uno-your-game-is-evil/ Thu, 11 Jan 2018 19:23:41 +0000 http://dadculture.net/?p=518 Dear Uno Creators,

I stopped by my local Target to purchase your game. My daughter Zuri had grown tired of the other games at home and wanted something new.

The shortlist of games I considered; Connect 4, Operation and Old Maid. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw a beautiful red box. A flood of memories populated in my head and after a brief thought, I decided I’d introduce Zuri to Uno.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve owned Uno. I have probably spent over 500 dollars in my lifetime on your game. When I lose one or two cards I buy a new deck because I have undiagnosed OCD. Plus, your game lasts for an eternity so losing two cards makes the game longer. This was the second deck I bought in 2018.

Uno was a staple in my household growing up. I’ve never met a person I couldn’t bond while playing your game. I’m an introvert, the rarest kind, an INFJ. Socializing is hard and small talk is unbearable. Playing your game allows me to go from a Buddhist monk to Little Richard.

Uno is easy to learn and teach. This is what draws me to your game. I told Zuri to match the color and numbers, try to get rid of her cards as fast as she can, and say “Uno” when she has one card left. That’s all it’s ever taken to explain the game. In a complicated world, I have always counted on Uno.

Our honeymoon is over because Uno’s tearing my family apart. While playing with Zuri she told me she would rip me apart. I’ve never heard an expression that harsh from her. Zuri’s imagination is vivid but sensible. When she’s mad, she’ll say things like “I’m going to wipe your kisses off my cheek” or “I’m not sharing my chocolate with you”. She’s never considered murder.

RIP YOU APART

This ordeal left me speechless, afraid and with many unanswered questions. What has come over my daughter? Should I commit her? She’s so young. I don’t want her in the system. Are lobotomies still a thing? After sleeping with one eye open for a few nights, I realized my daughter wasn’t the problem.

Uno, you’re the problem and here’s why.


In a complicated world, I have always counted on Uno.


Too Many Gotcha Cards

Your game contains 32 Gotcha! cards in the deck. That means roughly every third card played will piss Zuri off. Trust me when I say every single gotcha card presents anger.

The reverse card seems harmless at first because you don’t lose your turn or draw cards. However, a reverse played right before someone’s turn in games with lots of players sucks because a player’s wait time doubles. My heart breaks when Zuri asks if it’s her turn yet. Sometimes she waits so long she’ll finish a snack before her next turn.

The Reverse is just a passive-aggressive skip while the Skip is a demonic reverse. The skip has devastating effects. Zuri has played a card despite the skip because she didn’t register what happened. The Skip card triggers incoherence. You don’t understand how hard it is to tell a child they’ve been skipped and they’ve done nothing wrong.

The Draw Two isn’t that bad until you realize you have to draw two cards and lose your turn. If you play progressive Uno, you can create a chain of Draw Two’s, keeping yourself from drawing cards. I’ve watched players draw up to 8 cards. My baby girl had so many cards in her tiny hands she stacked them on top of each other and went through them like an out of touch business person goes through their contacts on their Rolodex.

The Wild doesn’t inflict much pain unless I change the color to a color she doesn’t possess. I used to play that card without a care in the world. Now, I play it as the last card or play it and keep the color the same so I won’t be ripped apart.

Satan created the Wild Draw 4 card.


The Reverse is just a passive-aggressive skip while the Skip is a demonic reverse. The skip has devastating effects.


Other Editions of Uno are Evil too

The current edition of Uno I have has added 4 more wilds. Three of them are blank and one makes you swap hands. Who convinced your company that this was a good idea? I’ve used this wild after my daughter has yelled Uno with pride. I’ve stolen wins from her. I’ve witnessed players purposely draw cards to fatten their hand before unleashing it.

Target also had Frozen Uno, Uno Attack, and Uno Dare.

Frozen Uno seems like a safe choice but there’s a special Olaf that allows you to discard up to three additional cards. I imagine Zuri would love to see me go from 4 cards to 0 in one turn. Great idea Mattel!

Uno Attack is fun until you press the button and 12 cards shoot you in the face. How is this game kid friendly?

Uno Dare is just pointless. Some dares include exercise and humiliation. Your game is humiliating enough. How did this edition pass toy inspection?

I Turn Into a Jerk

I transform into another person playing Uno with my family. I’m not the competitive type but give me 7 cards and tell me to get rid of them as fast as possible and I lose my mind. Uno can change a man.

On a regular day and being bribed with ice cream my daughter would say I was a nice man. Uno makes me arrogant and petty. I keep my record on the front of my notebook and leave it out hoping strangers ask about my Uno prowess.

I also call myself the King of Uno and yell it throughout the day in a deep voice reminiscent of an ordinary Demigod. We painted as a family last weekend. I drew an 8 1/2 by 11 inch King of Uno Card. I’m a troll because of your game.

I hope you read this and realize your game needs changes. You must update your age requirement. In 1983, you changed your age from 5+ to 7+. I recommend you change the age requirement to 10+. This game may have bright colors and beautiful decks but underneath is a dark, cutthroat game not for the faint of heart.

I also suggest reducing the number of gotcha cards in the deck because there are too many and every new edition adds more. I fear my daughter’s threat will become a promise. My death will spark an epidemic. Malcolm Gladwell will retell my story in a revised edition of Tipping Point. I’m not sure you want blood on your hands.

Until you meet my demands, I cannot continue to play your game. Translation: Your game is Wild. I shouldn’t have to Draw Two or Draw Four so often. I will Skip your game and I will not Reverse my decision until you change it.

It’s also possible that my daughter is a sore loser, but she’s perfect so that’s impossible.

Your game is evil. Do something about it.

 

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Helping Your Daughter Face Her Fears The Wrong Way http://dadculture.net/2017/12/25/fear-my-daughter-is-terrified-of-chuck-e-cheese-so-i-took-her-to-chuck-e-cheese/ Mon, 25 Dec 2017 09:52:41 +0000 http://dadculture.net/?p=372 My daughter Zuri is the type of 6-year-old who sees a plane in the sky and wonders if she can jump out of one someday. One day she watched a Disney show where a girl who plays an actress scaled a mountain. As soon as the show ended, she excused herself. A few moments later I caught her scaling our staircase.

Every feat of bravery accompanies a weakness. For Snow White, poisonous apples from strange old ladies, for Cinderella, common sense and for Zuri it’s Chuck E. Cheese. It bothers me. A lot. I’m accustomed to talking her off staircases and tabletops. Now I argue with her and her right to be fearful of a mascot.

She knows her fear is irrational because she befriends other mascots and loves rodents. Last Halloween she took pictures with Hi-Five from the Emoji movie and hugged his thumb. She wants to adopt Stuart Little and cook with Ratatouille. Yet, the sight of Chuck E. turns her into an elite sprinter. The evidence didn’t convince her. She tells me it’s because Chuck E. is huge but I’m six foot four inches and 350 pounds. Give or take.

She loved going to Chuck E. Cheese when she was younger. On most Sunday’s if we found ourselves bored we’d take her. We went so much my wife loves their salad bar. I never understood why kiddie establishments serve food. The likelihood of catching airborne illness increases and I imagine germs dancing on my spinach.

Now Chuck E. Cheese is a punishment.

“Zuri, clean your room.”

“I want to do it later.”

“Chuck E. Cheese.”

“Okay! I’ll clean up!”

I know it’s wrong but I’m not perfect.

This past Monday I decided that we should go play games at the Chuck. The cool parents call Chuck. E. Cheese “The Chuck”. After seeing a movie we had time to kill before dinner. It was between Best Buy and the Chuck. We picked games. Zuri was on high alert as soon as we got there. Before being stamped she needed information on Chuck E.’s location. Without a concrete answer, she focused her attention, playing games as fast as possible. She never even took off her coat.

She played games near the exit. There was a new bumper car ride that looked fun, but logistics didn’t allow it. The furthest she’d go was skeeball, the third lane closest to the door. We had 25 percent of the machines available to us.

We were playing games, having a good time. Things were going smooth. When she swiped her play card and her balance was low, she wanted to leave. While counting her tickets Chuck E. came out. This was one of the few moments I was proud and disappointed as a father.

I thought when I stood next to Chuck E. Cheese she’d see I was larger. We’d take a selfie and laugh later. The experts call this modeling. I took a selfie but Zuri wasn’t in it. As the Mouse made his way near the exit games, my wife tried to stop her. She was unsuccessful. Zuri’s speed and elusiveness was awesome. When my wife got ahold of her, Zuri showed off her power. She escaped with a devastating stiff arm that almost knocked my wife to the floor. Next, she showed off her will and creativity. While my wife was holding her she unzipped her coat, just in case she had to lose it to get away. Her performance was reminiscent of a Barry Sanders run with Deion Sanders’ speed and Jerome Bettis’ brute force. I’m disappointed because I watched my brave daughter cower and unwilling to face her fear but I left impressed with her skill set. I even interviewed her after and she said: “I ran 100 miles.”

Here’s a not-so-scientific fact: 1 in every 10 children runs from Chuck E. Cheese. I’m basing this statistic on the other 9 kids at the arcade who didn’t run away or over their parents when Chuck E. came out. It turns out you can’t supersize every rodent to entertain kids. If you don’t trust my statistics go to Chuck E. Cheese this weekend.

I find 99 percent of parenting is trial and error. This is also a not-so-scientific fact. You will try things and if they work, you adapt it forever and celebrate. For methods that are unsuccessful, you discard them and regroup. I needed to throw this strategy away

According to a study in the UK, it’s possible to weaken fear in young children. In their study, children saw pictures of two uncommon animals — the Quokka and the Quoll, from Australia. Next, researchers gave information that was positive or negative. Then they asked the children to pet the animal. The children believed the animals were dirty and lived in dark caves. When the children heard the negative information, they were slower to pet the animal but, after researchers told the children Quokka and Quoll were friendly, liked sweet berries and purred when you pet them, the children pet the animals faster.

After reading this study, I realized I needed to become more of an advocate. This meant calling Chuck E. an awesome mascot instead of a super-sized rat. Zuri wasn’t impressed with my scientific findings. When I asked if it could work she shook her head. I questioned her more trying to figure out what would work. She said “Nothing. I’m never going there.”

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