Dear Uno Creators,
I stopped by my local Target to purchase your game. My daughter Zuri had grown tired of the other games at home and wanted something new.
The shortlist of games I considered; Connect 4, Operation and Old Maid. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw a beautiful red box. A flood of memories populated in my head and after a brief thought, I decided I’d introduce Zuri to Uno.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve owned Uno. I have probably spent over 500 dollars in my lifetime on your game. When I lose one or two cards I buy a new deck because I have undiagnosed OCD. Plus, your game lasts for an eternity so losing two cards makes the game longer. This was the second deck I bought in 2018.
Uno was a staple in my household growing up. I’ve never met a person I couldn’t bond while playing your game. I’m an introvert, the rarest kind, an INFJ. Socializing is hard and small talk is unbearable. Playing your game allows me to go from a Buddhist monk to Little Richard.
Uno is easy to learn and teach. This is what draws me to your game. I told Zuri to match the color and numbers, try to get rid of her cards as fast as she can, and say “Uno” when she has one card left. That’s all it’s ever taken to explain the game. In a complicated world, I have always counted on Uno.
Our honeymoon is over because Uno’s tearing my family apart. While playing with Zuri she told me she would rip me apart. I’ve never heard an expression that harsh from her. Zuri’s imagination is vivid but sensible. When she’s mad, she’ll say things like “I’m going to wipe your kisses off my cheek” or “I’m not sharing my chocolate with you”. She’s never considered murder.
This ordeal left me speechless, afraid and with many unanswered questions. What has come over my daughter? Should I commit her? She’s so young. I don’t want her in the system. Are lobotomies still a thing? After sleeping with one eye open for a few nights, I realized my daughter wasn’t the problem.
Uno, you’re the problem and here’s why.
In a complicated world, I have always counted on Uno.
Too Many Gotcha Cards
Your game contains 32 Gotcha! cards in the deck. That means roughly every third card played will piss Zuri off. Trust me when I say every single gotcha card presents anger.
The reverse card seems harmless at first because you don’t lose your turn or draw cards. However, a reverse played right before someone’s turn in games with lots of players sucks because a player’s wait time doubles. My heart breaks when Zuri asks if it’s her turn yet. Sometimes she waits so long she’ll finish a snack before her next turn.
The Reverse is just a passive-aggressive skip while the Skip is a demonic reverse. The skip has devastating effects. Zuri has played a card despite the skip because she didn’t register what happened. The Skip card triggers incoherence. You don’t understand how hard it is to tell a child they’ve been skipped and they’ve done nothing wrong.
The Draw Two isn’t that bad until you realize you have to draw two cards and lose your turn. If you play progressive Uno, you can create a chain of Draw Two’s, keeping yourself from drawing cards. I’ve watched players draw up to 8 cards. My baby girl had so many cards in her tiny hands she stacked them on top of each other and went through them like an out of touch business person goes through their contacts on their Rolodex.
The Wild doesn’t inflict much pain unless I change the color to a color she doesn’t possess. I used to play that card without a care in the world. Now, I play it as the last card or play it and keep the color the same so I won’t be ripped apart.
Satan created the Wild Draw 4 card.
The Reverse is just a passive-aggressive skip while the Skip is a demonic reverse. The skip has devastating effects.
Other Editions of Uno are Evil too
The current edition of Uno I have has added 4 more wilds. Three of them are blank and one makes you swap hands. Who convinced your company that this was a good idea? I’ve used this wild after my daughter has yelled Uno with pride. I’ve stolen wins from her. I’ve witnessed players purposely draw cards to fatten their hand before unleashing it.
Target also had Frozen Uno, Uno Attack, and Uno Dare.
Frozen Uno seems like a safe choice but there’s a special Olaf that allows you to discard up to three additional cards. I imagine Zuri would love to see me go from 4 cards to 0 in one turn. Great idea Mattel!
Uno Attack is fun until you press the button and 12 cards shoot you in the face. How is this game kid friendly?
Uno Dare is just pointless. Some dares include exercise and humiliation. Your game is humiliating enough. How did this edition pass toy inspection?
I Turn Into a Jerk
I transform into another person playing Uno with my family. I’m not the competitive type but give me 7 cards and tell me to get rid of them as fast as possible and I lose my mind. Uno can change a man.
On a regular day and being bribed with ice cream my daughter would say I was a nice man. Uno makes me arrogant and petty. I keep my record on the front of my notebook and leave it out hoping strangers ask about my Uno prowess.
I also call myself the King of Uno and yell it throughout the day in a deep voice reminiscent of an ordinary Demigod. We painted as a family last weekend. I drew an 8 1/2 by 11 inch King of Uno Card. I’m a troll because of your game.
I hope you read this and realize your game needs changes. You must update your age requirement. In 1983, you changed your age from 5+ to 7+. I recommend you change the age requirement to 10+. This game may have bright colors and beautiful decks but underneath is a dark, cutthroat game not for the faint of heart.
I also suggest reducing the number of gotcha cards in the deck because there are too many and every new edition adds more. I fear my daughter’s threat will become a promise. My death will spark an epidemic. Malcolm Gladwell will retell my story in a revised edition of Tipping Point. I’m not sure you want blood on your hands.
Until you meet my demands, I cannot continue to play your game. Translation: Your game is Wild. I shouldn’t have to Draw Two or Draw Four so often. I will Skip your game and I will not Reverse my decision until you change it.
It’s also possible that my daughter is a sore loser, but she’s perfect so that’s impossible.
Your game is evil. Do something about it.